哈佛大学幸福课第十九课中英文讲义.doc

(完整word)哈佛大学幸福课第十九课中英文讲义
哈佛大学幸福课第十九课中英文讲义
Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: Hi。Good afternoon。Good morning。
Today we are going to continue talking about love.
But before，if there is a Nadia in this room，
and you left a key chain in class。
We have it here。
So please come and see me afterwards。
So let’s talk about love.
Last time,we left off with more questions than answers。
The question was- difficult question was
”how can we sustain love？
How can we sustain passion beyond the honeymoon phase？"
Because even if we did have our Brad Pitt or Halle Berry，
that does not guarantee lasting passion。
In fact，what we know that does guarantee over time
is a waning of the physiological excitement that
we experience when we are with that person。
And that in part explains some of the statistics,
such as 2/3 of marriages end up in divorce,
such as even those who do stay together
after a while it's out of convenience,
out of a sense of duty and not always,
or more often than not
does not have the same sense of togetherness of passion
that existed at the beginning of the relationship
with all the good intentions and the hope of the life—long
committed relationship— marriage or otherwise。
And then we asked "what positive psychology can do for us?”
We asked the additional question to the normal question
that has been asked for many years，
which is "why do so many relationships fail？”
It's an important question。It's necessary.
It's very far from being sufficient。
And it leads to the same errors，
to the same shortcomings that asking only the negative question
leads to when we are studying at risk youth,
when we are studying time management and stress。
Because when we only ask one of the questions,
what we are missing are the children on the bus，
metaphorically speaking。
What we are missing are the colors in the reality in front us，
if the only question we focus on is
"how many geometric shapes are there?” Questions create reality。
And very often,if we don't certain question，
certain answers are obscure and disappear。
So we ask this question
and we ask not just about ”what makes relationships work”,
but "what makes relationships thrive?"
And psychologists such as David Schnarch and John Gottman
in their extraordinary books，
extraordinary research talk about some of these characteristics。
So let’s get into them.
The first one is about working hard.
This is the world’s best kept secret。It's the secret of success.
It's the secret of personal success，of successful relationships.
There are no short cuts-
if we want a relationship to thrive,to succeed,
we need to put a lot of work in it.
Now that seems self-evident，obvious common sense。
But so often in this class we have seen
what Voltaire has remarked,"common sense is not that common.”
Now why is common sense not that common？
When it applies to working hard in a relationship。
The reason is because
many people have wrong expectations of the relationship
or of what it means to have happy relationships specifically。
Most people believe that the most important part
of enjoying a happy life—long committed relationship
is finding the right partner。
And that's certainly important，
but it is a mistake to focus on finding.
People have— if we draw an analogy to Carol Dweck’s research
on fixed versus malleable mindset-
people have a finding mindset that hurts the relationship。
Let me explain.
So going back- we did this before spring break.
What Carol Dweck showed was
when we praise people for their intelligence—
"oh you are so smart”-
after doing well on the test，they enter the fixed mindset.
Versus if we praise them for ”oh you’ve worked so hard"。
They have a malleable mindset。And that has consequences。
Because the fixed mindset—
the intelligence- ”you are so smart" doesn't help them much.
And then when they go to the next puzzle,
next task which is difficult,that threatens their schema-
"oh if I don't get it,if I don't succeed，
it means I’m no longer smart.” And they give up more easily.
They are more threatened by failure.
And they don't enjoy the process.
They become perfectionists,
or more likely to become perfectionists。
OK，so this is the fixed mindset.
You are so smart。You are so intelligent.
The malleable mindset- "oh you work so hard”。
Oh I can work with that。
So even if I don't succeed，don't do well，
I can still learn and I do learn to enjoy the process more.
So that’s the malleable mindset。
Now let’s draw an analogy to what we've just discussed here。
If I believe that the most important thing
about enjoying life-long，committed，
happy relationship is finding the right partner,
I enter what I call- again by analogy,the finding mindset,
which will be an equivalent to Dweck's fixed mindset。
And then let's say I have this mindset.
This is the most important thing.
And then we go through a rough patch in our relationship。
Then what happens？ Then I begin to think "wait a minute.
Something’s wrong here。I must have not found the right partner.
I must have made a mistake- an error of judgment。"
And that very often leads to a worsening of the situation.
And it can，doesn't always,but can lead to a downward spiral.
This is the finding mindset。
Because it's fixed I found my knight in shining armor。
I found my dream woman.I found my Brad Pitt,my Halle Berry.
And you know that problem is that reality inevitably hits。
We can't run away from it.
And reality dictates that there are no perfect relationships.
Remember that Leo Buscaglia’s quote about，
"perfect love is rare indeed。"
No it’s not rare。It doesn't exist。
And when we realize that—
if we have the finding mindset,the fixed mindset,
it threatens our schema。
There is inconsistency and then we begin to think
"well I probably did not find the right person."
In contrast,if we have the cultivating mindset，that’s malleable
That’s related to the effort part— ”OK.
So we are going through a hardship。
We are going through difficulty.
But it’s OK.Because we are working on it.
We are working to resolve it。”
It’s like the students who were praised for their effort— ”OK。
So I'm not solving this puzzle now.
But so what？ I’m putting in a lot of effort。
I'm trying； I'm even enjoying the process."
Look at the direct parallel here between Dweck's work
on mindset and our mindset when it comes to relationships.
So important- it makes such big difference.
And very often we can switch it—
not immediately,relatively promptly.
Remember Carol Dweck was able to change mindset of people
in a single experiment，in a few hours。
And we can do the same in our relationship
if we truly accept and internalize the fact
that relationships or finding the right partner,
a good partner is of course important。
It is much more important to then cultivate that relationship.
We'll get to that in a minute.
But the question then arises:
so why do people have the finding mindset？
Why do people have or not have the cultivating mindset？
If it is healthier.
One of the main reasons are the movies。Now movies are wonderful.
They are terrific。They show us what is possible。
Aristotle once said about art that it's —or about fiction—
that it’s more important than history,
because history depicts things as they are，
whereas fiction depicts things as they can and ought to be.
So it's a wonderful thing；
it shows us some model of what's possible,
especially the romantic movies.
I don't mean romantic in terms of love，
romantic in the 18th,19th centuries sense of romantic,
showing us how things can work,how things can become，
the potential,human nature relationships of our world.
So it’s a wonderful thing.
But one thing that movies don’t do well is that
they focus on the finding of the right partner,
and hence very often entrench，reinforce the finding mindset。
Because most of the movies,
love stories look like this： there are struggles；
there are fights; there are disagreements;
there are challenges on the way。
And then at the end，
Mr and Mrs Smith get together and they live happily ever after.
The screen drops and they walk into the sunset.
You know what problem is with that picture？
The problem is that movies end where love begins.
It is after the screen drops that the actual work starts。
It is easy to have a good relationship at the beginning，
the honey moon phase
or you know through the first year or two usually。
But then what happens after a while
when the initial physical,physiological instinct wanes?
What happens when we start to recognize and understand
and realize and see that— well this partner is not perfect.
What happens then？ Well,that's when true love begins.
And that's where true love is cultivated and formed.
Now I’m not belittling the importance of finding a partner,
the right partner,the right person for us.
It is of course important。
And often it takes kissing many frogs before we find our prince。
But the more important part of a thriving long term relationship
is the cultivation。
This is where the effort starts.
It’s after the sunset; the difficulties and hardships rise。
Now connect it to this，to the mindset is the notion
that there is only one right person for us.
And all I need to do,all I need to dedicate all my effort
and time to is find that right person。
And if I have to go all the way to Yale
I’ll go there to find that person。
A modern version of a Shakespeare in tragedy perhaps.
Whatever I need to do I will do it—
just to find that one right person—
even if I'm in Boston，they are in Seattle。
I will find that right person。
I don't believe that。It’s simply not true.
It's not the matter of faith.
I mean we know many people
who thought they found the right person，
maybe did find the right person,
and then either for tragic reasons
or for good reasons they were no longer together.
And they found more love。
There are 6 billion people in the world.
There's more than one right person.
So what makes relationship unique?
It’s not finding that one right person.
Once again it's cultivating that one chosen relationship.
It's by virtue of working together,of being together,
of spending time together，of dedicating one another。
That’s how we create the one chosen relationship，
one special relationship。
That's how two separate "I"s become a "we"。
And again to do that,it doesn’t happen over night。
It doesn’t even happen in a year or two。It takes time。
In fact,it doesn’t happen； it is happening。It's a process.
It's not about success in a relationship;
it’s about succeeding in a relationship。
We cultivated relationship not just simply by putting on the ring
or by giving the vows。
It's by doing things together。
Why is that so important?
Let me draw on some research from other areas of psychology。
And this is something that I mentioned on a couple of occasions.
Some of the most important work done by Muzafer Sherif
back in the 1950s，and until Muzafer Sherif came along.
As I mentioned before，the hypothesis that people had
when it comes to resolving interpersonal conflicts
or inter-group conflicts，
the belief that people had was that
all you need to do is get the conflicting sides together.
The dominant hypothesis was what's called "contact hypothesis".
Get the two conflicting sides in touch with one another
whether it's conflicting ethnic groups,
whether it’s conflicting individuals.
Get them together and you will resolve the conflict。
This was much of the work done by Gordon Allport
in our department here back in the 1930s.
Muzafer Sherif comes along and shows that that's not the case.
In fact，just bringing them together，
just the contact of the conflicting sides very often,more often
than not intensifies the conflict rather than resolve it.
And I gave this in a context of Arabic-Israelis conflict,
where people just got together
and hope that there will be peace in our time。
And instead we got more war in our time.Contact is not enough。
Not when it comes to bringing nations together；
not when it comes to bringing ethnic groups together；
and not when it comes to bringing a couple together.
You see in a relationship，inevitably there are conflicts.
Inevitably.There is no perfect relationship.
And if there were perfect relationship,
it would not be a conflict-free relationship,
as we'll see shortly.
So there are conflicts in our relationship-
whether it's during the first year
or whether it's after two or three years。
And serious conflicts- I’m not just saying about you know，
conflict about ”well you should put down the toilet seat”
or ”keep it up”。
I mean serious conflicts.Well that could be serious I guess。
But other serious conflicts。
And when there is a conflict，
and all the couples are doing together，simply being together,
in touch with one another—
that’s not enough to resolve that conflict.
And very often it will start as a minor conflict
and then get worse— spiral up,or rather spiral down over time。
So what does Sherif say and what do we know today?
That the important thing in resolving conflicts
is having a super ordinate goal.
When the two ethnic groups,when the two nations work together，
and are inter—dependent-
whether it's in business，or in a relationship，
it could be raising children— but doing the things together，
or belonging to the same political campaign,
or opposite political campaigns— that's fine.
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But working together,
supporting one another and when you have the working together，
the doing together,
that’s when you are most likely to resolve the conflicts.
And in fact these conflicts as we’ll see shortly
can make the relationship even stronger。
But the couple need mutually meaningful goals。
And again，it could be having children together
and raising the children together.
You know not just the "OK。We had the child.
And then the mother or the father raise the kid-
more often the mother.”
And OK.So we did something together.No。
The kid has to be to put in a very delicate and—
I'm sure appropriate terms- the kid has to be a joint venture.
Isn't it a lovely term to describe having kids?
As long as they don't bring any bad debt
or you know there is a good return on investment.
Yeah,just the right language there。
Took me a while to think about it.
So working together，bringing up the kids together,
or being on campaigns together,
or helping one another at work but doing things together。
John Gottman: "In the strongest marriages,
husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.
They don’t just "get along"—
they also support each other's hopes and aspirations
and build a sense of purpose into their lives together。"
That doesn't mean that they have to do everything together。
I mean it’s OK
for one to have his or her own meaningful goals at work,
where they don’t work together— that’s perfectly fine.
But in addition there have to be things that are done together.
In other words，what we need is