英语笑话3.doc

Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.
“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother.
“I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.”
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”
9)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕
回答者： 穴纯 - 见习魔法师 二级   2009-2-8 11:54
Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
« earthworms
The owl
The zoo held discussion!
The host asks: "the cat would climb a tree?"
Eagle vies to answer first: "!"
Host: "please illustrate!"
Eagle tearful said: "when I was fast asleep, the cat climbed up the tree... and then there is the owl!"
猫头鹰

动物园召开讨论会！
主持人问：“猫是否会爬树？”
老鹰抢答：“会！”
主持人：“请举例说明！”
老鹰含泪说道：“那年，我睡熟了，猫爬上了树...后来就有了猫头鹰！”
earthworms
The centipede go out, don't be bitten!
In order to prevent venoms diffusion, must immediately amputation!
The centipede comfort myself a way: "thanks!" I leg,
Doctor also comfort way: "yes, your brother, spot after is earthworm!"
蚯蚓
蜈蚣出门，不小心被蛇咬了！
为了防毒液扩散，必须马上截肢！
蜈蚣自我安慰道：“幸亏偶腿多！”
大夫也安慰道：“是的兄弟，想开点，你以后就是蚯蚓了！”
Two Attorneys

A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
　　两个律师：
　　一个女人丢了手提包，有一个诚实的小孩捡到后交还给了她。她看了看钱包，说：“嗯，这么有趣，我丢的时候里面是一张20美元，现在成了20张一美元。”
　　“没错，夫人。”小男孩立刻回答道，“上次我捡到钱包时，那位夫人没有零钱奖赏给我。”
Who is Stupid?
Who is Stupid?
A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

谁愚蠢：
　　一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。
　　小约翰尼站了起来。
　　“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。
　　“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”
Its His Fault

　Billy and Bobby were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.
Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good."
"Yes, Mummy." the two boys answered, and they went out.
They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allens' house."
"He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"
"I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly ducked.".

是他的错 ：
　　比利和波比是两兄弟，两人经常打架。

　　上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。”
　　“是，妈妈。”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。
　　他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“ 波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。”
　　“他是个坏孩子。”他妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的？”
　　“我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他蹲下了。”
No eating eggs
"A lion lion, the birth of the young lions will eat;" Dog dog dog, born to eat,
"...
"That is to say, all mothers have something to eat."
Little Tom wondering, total want to find a born not eating for three days, but the guy
Days didn't think out.
The fourth day, he really wants to come out. He was seen, is a fact. He ran to tell the old
Teacher: "teacher, hen lays eggs. Don't eat!"
蛋不吃食
    “母狮生下小狮，小狮要吃东西；“母狗生下小狗，小狗要吃东西；
“……
    “那就是说，凡是母亲生的都得吃东西。”
    小汤姆想呀想呀，总想找出一个生下来不吃东西的家伙，可是一连三
天都没想出来。
    第四天，他到底想出来了。那是他亲眼所见，是事实。他跑去告诉老
师：“老师，母鸡生蛋，蛋不吃东西！”
Who is boring
A: "the world is so boring people..."
B: "why do you say that?"
A: "a person begins at eight o 'clock in the morning until four o 'clock in the afternoon, fishing, didn't catch a thing. You said boring not boring?"
B: "really boring, but how did you know?"
A: "because I always see him go from."
到底谁无聊
    甲：“世界上就是有那么无聊的人……”
　　乙：“为什么这么说？”
　　甲：“有一个人从早上八点钟开始钓鱼，一直到下午四点，一条也没钓到。你说无聊不无聊？”
　　乙：“真够无聊的，可你是怎么知道的？”
　　甲：“因为我从头一直看到他走。”
Where is my rolex?
A lawyer with a new Benz, ready to work off, get off a colleague brush past truck hit off his door, lawyer picked up the phone and took the police, the police arrived, the lawyer to police yelled: "I bought a new car yesterday, this whole let damn truck destroyed!"
The police looked surprised lawyer said: "don't you lawyers so notice of the material benefits, other you don't care about?"
"You say what mean?" Lawyer asked.
The police say: "you don't notice your arm elbow following nothing, and your arm is broken!"
Attorneys looked down, mixed with a hard howl, I finished: "what is missing! Rolex?"
我的劳力士哪去了
    一个律师开着一辆新买的奔驰车上班，准备向同事炫耀，下车时一辆卡车擦身而过，撞掉了他的车门，律师拿起电话就抱了警，警察来后，律师向警察大声吼道：“我昨天才新买的车，这一下就全让该死的卡车毁了！”
　　警察诧异地看着律师说：“难道你们律师就这么注重物质上的利益，其它的你们都不关心吗？”
　　“你们这么说是什么意思？”律师问到。
　　警察说：“你没有注意到你的胳膊肘部以下什么都没有了，你的胳膊被撞断了！”
　　律师低头一看，不禁发出一声凄掺哀号：“完了，我的劳力士怎么也不见了！？”
A false alarm
In the street, a young woman walking into a passerby said: "excuse me, sir, I think you'll find I've been looking at you, because I think you look how, I like a child's father."
"What?" Passer-by scared, "said zheng big eyes? This is absolutely impossible!"
"Please don't worry, you know, I am nursery teacher."

虚惊一场
    在街头，一位年轻妇女走到一个路人面前说：“请原谅，先生，您一定发现我一直在注意您，这是因为我怎么看怎么觉得，您好像是我的一孩子的父亲。”
　　“什么?”路人吓得睁大眼睛说，“我?这绝对不可能!”
　　“请别担心，要知道，我是保育院的女教师。”