HOWIMETYOURMOTHER剧本.doc

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER剧本

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HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
1X01 - PILOT
Original Airdate (CBS): 19/SEP/2005
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Scene One
[Title: The Year 2030]
Ted Narrator: Kids,I'm going to tell you an incredible story.The story of how I met your mother.
Son: Are we being punished for something?
Ted Narrator: No.
Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while?
Ted Narrator: Yes. (Kids are annoyed) Twenty-five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life.
(Music Plays, Title "how i met your mother"appears)
Ted Narrator: It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with my friend Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have sex on the kitchen floor.Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you met. Your first date,other first things.
Marshall: (laughs) Yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics, Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too. My god, you're getting engaged tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight?
(Scene Freezes)
Ted Narrator: What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life, and me?I'm calling your Uncle, Barney.
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[Cut to Later: Barney's in the barber shop, Ted's talking from home]
Barney: (on the phone) Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up!
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Scene Two
[The Bar]
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where's your suit!??Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!
Ted: You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily...and me. They'll get married, start a family.Before long I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted.
(Barney hits Ted)
Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
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[Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met]
[Still in the Bar]
(Ted is talking to another couple; Barney randomly joins them and interrupts)
Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. (Ted's shocked) Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right. Hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. (Points to self with beer bottle in hand) Exhibit "A". (Flirts to a woman unseen) Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.
[Flashback ends]
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Ted: Thirty, right. You're right. I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged,you start thinking about that stuff.
Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend.
Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney: Good! And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game called "Have you met Ted?"
Ted: Wait.No, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?".
Barney: (Taps a woman names Yasmine) Hi, have you met Ted? (Leaves and watches from a distance).
Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmine: Yasmine.
Ted: It's a very pretty name.
Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese.
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Scene Three
[The Apartment]
Marshall: Hey!
Lily: Urgh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five-year-old boy (takes coat off revealing a purple hand print on her right breast) got to second base with me. Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Aww...(They kiss) Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.
Marshall: I can handle this; I'm full of surprises tonight.
Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what?
Ted Narrator: Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.
Marshall: BOOGIDY BOO! And that's all of them! I'm goanna go...cook. (Leaves)
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[Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine]
Ted: I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmine: So do you think you'll ever get married?
Ted: Well, maybe eventually. Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. But--eh--no DJ, people will dance. I'm not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged? (Yasmine laughs) Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?
Yasmine: Actually, I think it's cute.
Ted: Well, you're clearly drunk (pulls her wine glass away. Hold up glass to bartender) ONE MORE FOR THE LADY!
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[Cut to Kitchen with Marshall and Lily. Lily has a pan out sauting, Marshall jumps off a countertop]
Marshall: Okay, look what I got.(runs to the fridge. Takes out wine bottle)
Lily: Aw,honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall)
Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back)
Lily: (realizing) No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne!
Marshall: I'm not scared.
Lily: Then open it!
Marshall: Fine. (takes bottle. Looks at it for a couple of seconds) Please open it?(hands it to Lily)
Lily: You are unbelievable, Marshall.
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(Scene splits in half and shows both Lily and Marshall on top arguing and Ted and Yasmine on the bottom mingling)
Ted Narrator: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months, the other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar.
Marshall: (To Lily) Will you marry me?
Ted: (To Yasmine) You wanna go out sometime?
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(Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall's scene)
Lily: Of course, you idiot! (hugs him and they fall back)
[Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar]
Yasmine: I'm sorry; Carl's my boyfriend. (points to bartender)
Ted: Sup, Carl?
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[Cut to Scene in Kitchen, Marshall and Lily lay up while on the ground, after sex]
Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.
Lily: Did you know there's a pop tart under your fridge?
Marshall: No, but dibs. Where's that champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fiancee.
Lily: Aww. (claps. They kiss)
Marshall: I don't know why I was so scared of this. Pretty easy, right? (Pops cork, hit's Lily's eye)
Lily: (YELLS)
Marshall: (covers mouth) OH!
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[Cut to Scene with Ted and Barney]
Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down.
Barney: (ignoring) How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
Ted: The plan has always been "don't even think about it till you're thirty".
Barney: Exactly.The guy doesn't even own a suit!
Ted: Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like,"Okay, I'm ready! Where is she?"(Spots Robin)
Ted Narrator: And there she was.
[Fade out]
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Scene Four
(The Bar,focusing on Ted and Robin)
Ted Narrator: It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm going to marry her someday."
Ted: Hey, Barney, see that girl?
Barney:Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.Go say hi.
Ted:I can't just go say hi.I need a plan.I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom,then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox...
Barney: (to Robin) Hey, have you met Ted?
Ted:Hi.
Robin: Let me guess, (points) Ted.
(Ted Nods)
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Scene Five
(Taxi on the way to hospital)
Marshall: I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.
Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa.Did you hit her?
(Laughter)
Lily: Hit me? Please, this guy could barely even spank me in bed for fun. He's all like, (hits ice in bag using to cover eye) "Oh, did that hurt?",and I'm like, "Come on, let me have it, you pansy!"(realizes) Wow, complete stranger.
Cabdriver: No, no, no, no.It's okay, go on. (Turns meter on.) So, these, uh, spankin',you in pajamas or au naturel?
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[Cut to bar with Robin]
Ted: So, what do you do?
Robin: I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.
Ted: (nods) Oh.
Robin:Well, kind of a reporter.I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news,you know.Like,um...monkey that can play the ukulele.I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
Ted: Bigger like, uh, gorilla with an up-right bass? Sorry, you're really pretty. (Robin laughs and waves to her friends) Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Robin: Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend. So, tonight, every guy is "the enemy".
Ted: You know if you don't make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink at my face. I don't mind.
Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies.
Ted: Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?
Robin: Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guys attempting to make a big pancake.Guess who's covering it.
Ted: That's going to take a week?
Robin: Yeah, he's going to eat it, too, it's another record.
Robin's Dumped Friend: Hey, what's taking so long?
Ted: Uh, I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?
Robin: (stops) Yeah. (agrees) What the hell. (passes number to Ted. Throws drink on Ted's face) JERK! (Walks away. Whispers)That was fun.
Barney: (comes back laughing) De... wait for it... nied!Denied!
Ted: We're going out tomorrow night.
Barney: I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night?
Ted: Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag. (Wipes alcohol off his face)
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Scene Six
(Bistro, Ted's date with Robin. There's a blue French horn showcased on the wall a table away from theirs.)
Ted Narrator: The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
Robin: Wow, that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Mhmm.
Ted: Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
(Scene Freezes)
Ted Narrator: Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date, you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that.
(Scene unfreezes. Robin spits her drink back into her glass. Laughs)
Ted Narrator: But that was no ordinary girl.
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[Cut to the Apartment]
(Lily and Marshall are sitting on the couch. Lily's wearing an eye patch on her left eye and is totally unaware that Marshall is sitting bedside her because of the eye patch.)
Marshall: Lilly?
(Lily jolts)
Lily: How long have you been sitting there!? Stupid eye patch.
(Ted enters)
Ted: Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby! Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?
Marshall: Oh let's see ...(thinks) she likes dogs?
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[Flashback to Date]
Robin:I've got five dogs.
[Flashback over.]
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Marshall: She drinks scotch?
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[Flashback to Date]
Robin: I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch.
[Flashback over.]
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Marshall: Can quote obscure lines from "Ghostbusters"?
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[Flashback to Date]
Robin: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god you say, "Yes!".
[Flashback over.]
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Ted: And I'm saving the best for last.
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[Flashback to Date]
Robin: Do you want these? (Holding up remaining olives from her plate) I hate olives.
[Flashback over.]
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Marshall: She hates olives! Awesome!
Lily: The olive theory.
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[Flashback to Date]
Ted:The olive theory is based on my friends,Marshall and Lily.He hates olives,she loves them.In a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple.A Perfect balance.(eats olive)
Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
Ted: (flirting) I can take them off your hands.
Robin: (flirting back) They're all yours.
[Flashback over]
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Marshall: Oh, it is on! It is on. (imitates robot)It is on till the break of dawn.
Lily: Wait, it's only the break of ten-thirty. What happened?
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[Flashback to Walking Robin home]
Robin: I've gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.
Ted: No Green Clarinet?
Robin: Nope.
Ted: Come on, no purple tuba?
Robin: It's a Smurf penis, we're no dice.
(Metro News 1 Van appears)
Producer: (from inside van) There you are! We've got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you're covering it!
Robin: Um, alright. I'll be right there. (To Ted) I'm sorry. I had a really great time tonight.
Ted: Yeah.
[Flashback Over]
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Marshall: So? Did you kiss her?
Ted: No. The moment wasn