5.5分雅思大作文范文.doc

l 批改By Angela
本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项：TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

作文题目
School age children and teenagers usually like to do the same things as their friends but parents often have a different idea about what their children should be doing.
Should parents always decide how children spend their free time?

学生作文
Many school children and teenagers always do the similar stuff together, while their parents usually have different opinions about what their children should do. From my perspective, I think parents should not always decide the free time of children.
To begin with, generation gap is a significant problem which happens between parents and children. It is inevitable that children will have different thoughts with their parents. Secondly, as children, they are living in a modern and developing world, which makes them change their minds frequently. However, many parents are quite reluctant to accept new ideas and technologies. Therefore, their views will be dissimilar with their children, which are really impossible to reach an agreement. At last, children prefer trying out new adventurous challenges, whereas their parents are rigid and only want stable life. So parents cannot really control and decide for their children.
Furthermore, the ideas of parents are not quite always correct and sometime might mislead their children. Of course, there is no doubt that old people have more life experiences and can handle any difficult situations in most of time. However, the modern world is not as they think as it used to be, so they might under-estimate some circumstances which might have negative effects on their children. For example, most parents believe that as long as their children can obtain higher degrees from universities will definitely have better future. Contrasty, in reality, the abilities and moral standards of children are much more important than just only university degrees.
In conclusion, parents should let children to create their own world and give them freedom to assign their leisure time, which might lead them to success eventually.

Words: 279

l 文中标识：
用词不当 逻辑错误 语法错误 修改添加

Many school children and teenagers always do the similar stuff together, while their parents usually have different opinions about what their children should do. From my perspective, I think parents should not always decide the free time of children.
To begin with, generation gap is a significant problem, which happens between parents and children. It is inevitable that children will have different thoughts with from their parents. For instance, they have their own preference to choosing majors, careers or even the ways of living. (cc：这里需要给出一点他们怎么个不同，比如选未来的职业或者生活等。) Secondly, as children, they are living in a modern and developing world, which makes them change their minds frequently. （？？意义不明，是想表达？）However, many parents are quite reluctant to accept new ideas and technologies. Therefore, their views will be dissimilar with their children, which are really impossible to reach an agreement. At last, children prefer trying out new adventurous challenges, whereas their parents are rigid and only want stable life. So parents cannot really control and decide for their children. （此处似乎在讨论社会在变化，年轻人的思维比父母的更开明:But these days, young people tend to accept new values than their parents. Instead of encouraging children to take new challenges, many parents only want the children live in a stable life. That makes parents and children have a lot of conflicts.）
Furthermore, the ideas of parents are not quite always correct and sometime might mislead their children. (Parents cannot guarantee the decisions they have made are perfect or the most effective. )Of course, there is no doubt that old people have more life experiences and can handle any difficult situations in most of time. (Even though parents tend to have more life experience and more strategies for dealing with problems, children need chance to grow up and become independent in their later lives. Thus, letting students be responsible for themselves is one of process of their upbrings, those chances should not be deprived by parents. )
However, the modern world is not as they think as it used to be, so they might under-estimate some circumstances which might have negative effects on their children. For example, most parents believe that as long as their children can obtain higher degrees from universities will definitely have better future. Contrasty, in reality, the abilities and moral standards of children are much more important than just only university degrees.(这个例子说明父母的和孩子的看法不同，不一定要上大学和后面：“contrasty，。。。说的内容家长应该注重孩子的品德教育，这个更重要” 并不冲突，这个论证逻辑不太清楚。而且，这个不是题目要求讨论的内容，题目要求讨论的是要不要父母帮忙做决定，可以改成： )
In conclusion, parents should let children to create their own world (learn make decisions and take responsibilities for themselves) and give them freedom to assign (organize) their leisure time, which might lead them to success eventually.

Words: 279
总评 5.5 （TR5.5 CC5.5 LR5.5 GRA6）
1. 语法问题较多，尝试使用复杂语法结构。
2. 词汇运用一般，换词较少, 用词不够准确， 务必确定单词的意思， 以及这些词汇的搭配。
3. 论证方面：本文论证不太清晰，需要更多相关的观点和解释。
4. 出现很多明显的语法错误，另外可以再尝试多用一些从句，来短时间提升语法分数。注意一些连接词的含义，尽量准确使用它们。