《剑桥雅思七》写作例文的修改和讲解.doc

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《剑桥雅思七》写作例文的修改和讲解
　　近来,我在国内出版的雅思书籍和相关网站看到介绍《剑桥雅思七》TEST 2的一篇Band 7.5写作例文,但都没有将文中的具体错误加以更正,这样对广大雅思考生英语水平的提高是无益的.本人现将该文的错误予以更正并作出详细讲评,供广大考生研习.
　　文章题目如下:
　　Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.
　　Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
　　《剑桥雅思七》原书写作例文如下:
　　Fixing punishments for each type of crime has been a debatable issue. There are many arguments supporting both views, those for and those against fixed punishments.
　　On the one hand, fixed punishments will have a deterring effect on society. Individuals knowing that they will be subject to a certain punishment if they are convicted with a given crime, will reconsider committing this act in the first place.
　　This deterring effect also leads to social stability and security, through minimising the number of crimes committed.
　　If people knew they would be able to convince the court or the jury of a reason for having committed the crime they are accused of, penal decisions would be largely arbitrary. This would result into criminals getting away with their crimes and into a high level of injustice caused by the subjective approach of different courts.
　　On the other hand, taking the circumstances of a crime and its motivation into consideration is a prerequisite for establishing and ensuring justice and equity.
　　A person killing in self-defense can not be compared to a serial killer, moving from one victim to the next. In my opinion an intermediary position between both solutions is the perfect way to establish and ensure justice and equity.
　　There has to be fixed punishment for all crimes. However, criminal laws have to provide for a minimum and maximum for the punishment and the laws also have to foresee certain cases of exemptions.
　　An example for setting minimum and maximum penalties is competition law where a person being held liable of a crime under this law will be convicted to pay a fine, according to the harm caused by the violation and the profit gained by the violator through committing the crime.
　　As for the exemptions, in some countries the law exempts thiefs stealing food during a period of famine taking into consideration the distress and hunger.
　　Also, a person killing in self-defense will be exempted from punishment.
　　《剑桥雅思七》一书提供的雅思考官对该文的点评:
　　该文论证清晰、观点明确、用词和句型丰富多样,除个别地方外,基本准确.但该文的段落分配不够合理,有的段落连接显得混乱.此外,没有明确的结论也是该文的一个不足.
　　以下是经我改正过的范文:
　　To date, imposing a fixed punishment for each type of crime has been a debatable issue. There are many arguments for and against the execution of penalty.
　　On one hand, fixed punishments will have a deterring effect on potential criminals. Individuals will think twice before committing an offence if they know that they will be subjected to a certain punishment if convicted of a given crime. In addition, this deterring effect also helps to enhance social stability and security through minimising the number of crimes committed. On the other hand, if people knew they would be able to convince the court or the jury of a reason for having committed the crime they are accused of, penal decisions would be largely arbitrary. This would result in criminals getting away with their crime and a high level of injustice could be caused by the subjective approach of different courts.
　　There have to be fixed punishments for all crimes. However, criminal laws have to provide a minimum and maximum for the punishment and the laws should also foresee certain cases of exemptions. One example for setting minimum and maximum penalties is the competition law under which a person held liable for a crime will be convicted to pay a fine according to the harm caused by the violation and the profit gained by the violator through committing the crime. As for exemptions, in some countries thieves stealing food during a period of famine are exempted from punishments.
　　Therefore, in my opinion, taking the circumstances of a crime and its motivation into consideration is a prerequisite for the measurement of punishment. A person killing in self-defense can not be compared to a serial killer who moves from one victim to another. Perhaps a balanced approach could be a perfect way to ensure legal justice and equality.
　　修改讲解:
　　第一段:
　　1.      原文第一句Fixing punishments for each type of crime has been a debatable issue不如改为To date, imposing a fixed punishment for each type of crime has been a debatable issue更符合英语逻辑和书面表达习惯,而且加上to date显得更为自然些.
　　2. 原文第二句表达显过于wordy, 改为There are many arguments for and against the execution of penalty较为简练,而且避免了fixed punishment重复使用.
　　第二段:
　　1.      原文第一句中的on society 说法有些过于笼统,现改为更为具体的potential criminals.
　　2.      原文第二句表述有些不够流畅,改为Individuals will think twice before committing an offence if they know that they will be subjected to a certain punishment if convicted of a given crime. 原文的will be subject to a certain punishment 改为 will be subjected to a certain punishment更为常见.
　　第四段:
　　1.      该段原文的最后一句中的result into 应该为result in才符合英语惯用.
　　第五、六段:将原文第五六段放到文章结论段更符合行文逻辑.原句中an intermediary position between both solutions is the perfect way改为 a balanced approach could be a perfect way to ensure legal justice and equality更为简练、准确.
　　第七段:原文provide后的for 应删掉.
　　第八段:原文第一句的where用在这里不准确,liable of 应改为liable for.
　　第九段:原文中的thiefs应为thieves, taking into consideration the distress and hunger用在这里从修辞角度讲指代不够明确.
　　另外,原文段落过多,显得十分松散.通过合并或调整一些段落,改后的作文更加紧凑,同时也修正了原文缺乏结论段的败笔.

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