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1、1 Improvement One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me." 进步 一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？” “很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。” 2 Half or Fiv
2、e Tenths? Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half. Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why. Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths. 半个还是十分之五 老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘？ 杰拉得：我宁可要半个。 老师：
3、仔细想想，说出理由来。 杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。 3 To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven? Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home. 去天堂 主日
4、学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来，把手举起来。。。你呢，哈里？你还没举手呢-- 你不想去天堂吗？ 哈里： 我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。 4 How Many Rabbits? Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir. Teacher: Nine? Jonathan: I've got one already,
5、sir. 多少只兔子？ 老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？ 乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。 老师：九只？ 乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。 5 How Many Rabbits? Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir. Teacher: Nine? Jonathan
6、 I've got one already, sir. 多少只兔子？ 老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？ 乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。 老师：九只？ 乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。 6 Who Discovered Australia? Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny. Johnny: It's there, sir. Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia? Sammy: John
7、ny, sir. 谁发现了澳大利亚？ 老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。 约翰尼：先生，在这儿。 老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚？ 萨默：先生，是约翰尼。 7 Lightning Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more! 闪电 老师：为什么说闪电从来不会两次击中同一个地方？ 罗伊：因
8、为它击中一个地方一次以后，那个地方就不存在了。 8 The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 新西兰的气候 老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？ 马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。 老师：错了。 马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。
9、 9 My Sister's Fingers Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time? Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages. Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail. 我妹妹的手指头 老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了？ 凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子
10、砸坏了两个手指头。 老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀？ 凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。 10 All Except the Music A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake
11、 chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?" "Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is." 除了音乐 一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点
12、心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗？” “噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。” 11 he plural Form of "Child" Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom? Tom: Men. Teacher: Good. And the plural of child? Tom: Twins. "孩子"的复数形式 老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么？ 汤姆：男人们。 老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢？ 汤姆：双胞胎。 12 When
13、Do People Talk Least? Student A: When do people talk least? Student B: In February. Student A: Why? Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year. 人们什么时候说话最少？ 学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少？ 学生乙：在二月。 学生甲：为什么呢？ 学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。 13 The Reason of Being Late Teacher: Johnny, why are you l
14、ate for school every morning? Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'. 迟到的原因 老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到？ 约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校－缓行’。 14 Mixed Doubles Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles, boys? Nick: Yes, sir. Quite often. I s
15、aw it even last night. Teacher: Please tell us something about it. Nick: Oh, sorry, sir. My father always says, 'Domestic shame should not be published.' 混合双打 体育老师：孩子们，你们见过男女混合双打吗？ 尼克：见过，老师，经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢？ 老师：你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。 尼克：啊，对不起，老师。我爸爸常说，”家丑不可外扬。“ 15 4-4=? One day, the teacher in
16、quired Peter: "How much is four minus four?" Peter was tongue-tied. The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?" "The hole." replied Peter. 四减四等于几
17、 一天，老师问彼得：“４减４等于几？”彼得张口结舌答不上来。 老师生气地说：“真苯！比如我给你衣袋里装进４个硬币，可你衣袋上有个窟窿，硬币全从这里漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么？” “还剩下个窟窿。”彼得答道。 16 Columbus's Telephone Number Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such number (1451--1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain w
18、hy, sir? Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus's telephone number. 哥伦布的电话号码 小玛丽：我在历史书中发现，克里斯托。哥伦布这个名字后老是有(1451-1560)着几个数字，老师，请您给解释一下好吗？ 小罗斯：老师，我能告诉她。那是哥伦布的电话号码。 17 The Fourth Element Teacher: What are the four element of nature? Student: Fire, air, earth, and... and ... Teacher
19、 And what? Just think it over, what do you wash your hands with? Student: Soap! 第四元素 老师：自然界的四大元素是什么？ 学生：火、气、和。。。和。。。 老师：和什么？想一想， 你用什么洗手的？ 学生：肥皂。 18 Whose Fault Teacher: Betty, you made so many mistakes in your exercise, surely your mother will blame you! Betty: Blame me? Oh, mo. On the c
20、ontrary, I'll blame her. Because it was she that did my homework instead. 谁的错 老师：贝蒂，你作业中出了这么多错，你妈妈一定会责怪你的！ 贝蒂：责怪我？啊，不会的。正相反，我倒要责怪她呢，是她替我做的作业 19 Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I
21、 know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 20 The Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" "A lo
22、t of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 鱼网 ”你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？“ 老师发问道。 ”把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。“小女孩回答道。 21 The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn
23、‘t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 ”乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？“ 妈妈问。 ”妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。“ 22 A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the fir
24、st question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls ? Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试 在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是
25、先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。 23 An Entrance Examination In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, the teacher asked one of the boys, 'What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?" "To be deaf," replied the boy. "Nonsense!" said the teacher angr
26、ily. "Why, sir! don't you have know that the most famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully. 入学考试 在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问一位应试的小伙子：”音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？“ ”耳聋。“小伙子答道。 ”胡说！“老师恼怒地说。 ”怎么啦，先生！ 您难道连大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子都不知道？“小伙子轻蔑地反问道。 24 The Biggest in the World
27、 Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking. Teacher: Peter! Tell us, what's the biggest in the world? Peter: Well, well.... eyelids.... Teacher: What? Eyelids? Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world. 世界上最大的 老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。
28、老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？ 彼得：这，这。。。。。眼皮。。。。。 老师：什么？眼皮？ 彼得：是这样，老师，因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上的一切东西都遮住了。 25 Mother Was too Busy Teacher: Mike, you're always asking your father to do your homework instead, and again this time..... Mike: Pardon, sir, this time at first I would not let him do it, but mother was too b
29、usy. 妈妈太忙 老师：迈克，你老是叫你的父亲替你做作业，这次又。。。。。。 迈克：对不起，老师，这次作业我本不打算让爸爸替我做，可妈妈实在太忙。 26 Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I'm teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger
30、 than he is, who's also been taught how to box." Dan: "I'm teaching him how to run, too." 拳击和赛跑 丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？” 丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” 27 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother ask
31、ed, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,"发生了什么事？“ ”一个男孩咬了我一口，“伊凡说。 ”再见到他时你能认出来吗?"妈妈问。
32、 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。“ 28 A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more.
33、But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 ”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“ ”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。 ”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” 29 Two Pounds Plums Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds o
34、f plums and you gave him a pound and a half. Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy? 两磅李子 母亲：我让小儿子来买两磅李子，可你只给他一磅半。 店主：我们的秤准确无误，太太。您秤过您的小儿子了吗？ 30 To Learn French Son: Dad, is French difficult to learn? Father: My boy, at the beginning it is, but after th
35、at it becomes easy. Son: That's great! I'll learn the latter half. 学法语 儿子：爸爸，法语难学吗？ 父亲：我的孩子，开头是难，可往后就变得容易了。 儿子：太好了！那我就学后半部分。 31 The result of a Promise Father: I promised to buy you a car if you passed your examination, and you have failed. What were you doing last term? Son: I was learni
36、ng to drive a car. 许诺的结果 父亲：我曾向你许诺，如果你考试及格就给你买俩小汽车，可你却未能做到。你上学期一直在干什么呀？“ 儿子：我在学开汽车。 32 Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interesting in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word '
37、Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, "there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲和小儿子一道回家，这孩子正处于那种对什么事都感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？”
38、 “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 33 The Father and His Son Father: You know, Tom, when Lincoln was your age, he was a very good pupil. In fact, he was the best pupil in his class. Tom: Yes, Father. I know that. But when he was your age, he was Presiden
39、t of the United States. 父与子 父亲：汤姆，你要知道，当林肯在你这年龄时，他是一个很好的学生。事实上，他是班里最好的学生。 汤姆：是的，爸爸，我知道。可当他在你这个年龄时，他已是美国总统了。 34 Jim's History Examination Aunt: How did Jim do his history examination? Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. Why, they asked him things that happened before
40、 the poor boy was born. 吉姆的历史考试 姨妈：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？ 母亲：唉，糟透了。可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。嗨，他们尽问一些这个可怜的孩子出生前的事情。 35 Who Is the Laziest? Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom: I don't know, father. Father: Oh, yes,
41、 you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father. 谁最懒? 父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？ 汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。 父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业，写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？ 汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。 36 I Taught the Teach
42、er Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?" "Nothing, Mum," answered the son proudly, "instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three." 我教老师 妈妈问她的小儿子：“宝贝儿，今天老师都教你些什么？” 儿子骄傲地说：“什么也没教，妈妈，她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她是三。” 37 Wed
43、ding Mrs. Jones and her little daughter Karen were outside the church watching all the coming and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception and all the excitement was over. Karen said to her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, M
44、ummy?" "What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Jones. "Well," said the moppet, "She went into the church with one man and came out with another!" 婚礼 一场婚礼在教堂举行，琼斯夫人和她的小女儿卡伦在教堂外面看热闹。人们照完像后都开着车去参加婚礼宴会了，一切激动的事都结束了，这时卡伦问妈妈：“妈妈，新娘子怎么变主意了？” “变主意了？你指的是什么？”琼斯夫人问。 “嗯，”
45、孩子说，“她进教堂时和一个男人，出来时又和另一个男人！” 38 A Thank-you Letter "Are you writing a thank-you letter to Grandpa like told you?" "Yes, Mum." "Your handwriting seems very large." "Well, Grandpa's deaf, so I'm writing very loud." 感谢信 “你是在按照我说的给爷爷写信感谢他吗？” “是的，妈妈。” “你的字好像
46、写得太大了。” “嗯，爷爷的耳朵不好，所以我写得大声点儿。” 39 The Good News and The Bad News The doctor is talking to a woman in a hospital bed. "I have some good news for you and some bad. First the bad news -- we amputated the wrong leg. Now here is the good news -- we've discovered that your other leg doesn't
47、need to be removed after all." 好消息和坏消息 医生对躺在病床上的一位妇女说：“我给你带来了好消息，也带来了不好的消息。先告诉你一个不好的消息－我们错截了你的那条好腿。现在我再来告诉你一个好消息，我们发现你的另一条腿没必要截除了。” 40 An Announcement Once a Hindu mystic spoke to a group of Boston ladies. In order to show his familiarity with the English language, he announced the
48、death of his mother in the following scrambled metaphor: "I regret to announce that my beloved mother, the hand which rocked the cradle, has kicked the bucket." 讣告 一次，—位印度神秘主义者对波士顿的—些妇女讲话。为了显示他通晓英语，他用下面胡乱拼凑的比喻宣布了他母亲死亡的消息：“我遗憾地宣告，我敬爱的母亲、曾经摇过我摇篮的那只手，伸腿瞪眼了。“ 41 Beer The professor
49、 rapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen, order!” The entire class yelled “Beer!” 啤酒 教授敲打着桌子喊道：“诸位，请安静！” 全班大声喊：“啤酒！” [注]order作“安静”解，也可作“点菜，点饮料”解。 42 The Composition Class The students in the composition class were assigned the task of writing an essay on "the most
50、beautiful thing I ever saw." The student who, of all the members of the class, seemed the least sensitive to beauty, handed in his paper first with astonishing speed. It was short and to the point. He had written: "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was too beautiful for words." 作文课 在
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