蕾切尔的婚礼 Rachel Getting Married 英文剧本.doc

蕾切尔的婚礼 Rachel Getting Married 英文剧本
I want my fucking Zippo now.
Walter, that is a behavior that will get you...
Fuck you!
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Are you making a choice?
(CHUCKLES)
Hold on.
Hello?
Don't you get it yet, Waldo?
She's making a choice not to give you your lighter
because you'll torch the self-help library again.
My name's Walter.
Did you kill anybody recently?
Did you run anybody over with your fucking car?
Is that them?
Yeah. Yes, finally.
You're not going to let her drive, are you?
Walter, you are only responsible for yourself.
This all your stuff?
Yeah.
So you never gave me your cell phone number.
It was a mistake.
I'm lucky I didn't get fired. We've discussed this.
Hey. Here you are.
(SIGHING) I thought you were going to abandon me in rehab.
(CHUCKLING) No. - It's 10:30. You're half an hour late.
I was just standing out here with these lunatics.
Oh, my God, you look so great.
So do you, darling.
Can I take care of that? Hi, Paul Buchman.
Rosa. We met last time you came up.
Yes, hi. Good to see you again. - Hi.
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
All right. Sure. - Great.
Um...
Good luck to you.
Thank you.
Kym. Good luck to you.
Thank you.

All right. Hey, where is everybody?
Hey, Carol. - Hello, Kym.
Where is everybody? Where's Rachel?
Oh, she's back at the house getting ready.
PAUL: There is so much going on at the house, I cannot tell you, dear.
And you know your sister's doing everything herself.
My sister's bending the environment to her will? Really?
There's no wedding planners or anything like that.
It's just her
and Sidney and a whole lot of their friends. And she is so thrilled
that you're coming home. Great.
Now, do we have everything?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Can we just go?
Is there somebody that...
Anybody you need to say goodbye to?
God, no.
So are all of these energetic, young wedding helpers
staying at the house?
Because after nine months of constantly revolving cell mates
and crazy people and...
You weren't in a cell, Kym.
What? I was sort of looking forward to a little privacy for once.
The only extra person at the house is Emma.
Oh, oh! Rachel and Emma. - Yes.
Good God, how relaxing.
(ALL LAUGHING)
The only two people on the planet less capable of delegating than Hannibal.
On the eve of a wedding. Oh! Nachtmahr.
Nachtmahr?
Nachtmahr. You don't know Nachtmahr?
Nachtmahr was a nightmare so bad it's in German.
CAROL: I see.
Rachel must be, like, totally freaking out.
Is she too tense?
Are all of her latent food issues rearing their heads?
Is she still hoarding Snickers and Cool Whip under the bed
like when she was in high school?
She never did put that one to rest.

I don't think that's a problem for her, darling.
No offense, Dad, but you never thought that was a problem for her.
So I'm really looking forward to seeing Mom.
You'll see your mom tonight and Andrew at the rehearsal dinner.
Well, maybe I'll head over there, to her house, after I see Rachel.
Well, I don't know.
Can we pull over, please?
I'm sorry, I feel nauseous, and I need something to drink.
CAROL: I have a Diet Coke for you.
I prefer Pepsi from the fountain.
Hey, didn't I see you on Cops?
Olive.
KYM: Hey, there's Olive.
PAUL: Rented chairs, tribes of people.
Yep.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Dad, don't worry about it. I'll get it.
PAUL: Got it.
(MEN CHATTERING)
PAUL: Hi, gentlemen.
Hello.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Anyway, I'm sorry. I just saw a ghost.
(CONTINUES CHATTERING)
EMMA: Is this too short?
Oh, my God! You are just minute!
Kymmie!
Oh! Ow!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I have pins all over me.
Yeah, I can feel.
Kym, could you not smoke in here, please?
You look great. - Oh, no, I'm so fat.
Well, rehab makes you fat. It's all the vending machines.
No, stop it. - No, you!
I would swear to God that you were puking again.
EMMA: Hi, Kym. - Hi, Emma.
Seriously, you're so tiny, it's like you're Asian.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(EXCLAIMS)
So what's the deal? Are you an actual shrink yet?
Even though you're like 12 years old.
Rachel's taking psychology, not psychiatry.
You know the difference, right?
You should prescribe something soothing for Emma, like Vicodin.
I will have my PhD in a year and a half,
and psychologists don't get prescription pads.
I think they do in Guam, actually.
Could you please put that out? Emma designed this dress,
and there's, like, 47 yards of fabric,
and it's going to go up like the Hindenburg.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. It's going out.
EMMA: Thank you, Kym.
Angela Paylin is coming to the wedding.
Angela Paylin is not coming.
Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my God!
I ate so much cookie dough and did so many whippits with Angela Paylin.
I know.
And she confessed to you her secret Elvis Stojko fantasy.
How did you... EMMA What?
RACHEL: I spied on you. - Elvis Stojko, the figure skater?
KYM: Oh, my God!
She had this fantasy where she was wearing her hair up,
and these very serious... - Very, very
professional glasses because... - ...very serious.
She was an Olympic judge.
A world-renowned judge. At the men's.
Skating final in the winter Olympics. - In the winter Olympics.
And Elvis Stojko was skating...
For the gold.
In the finals to Could This Be Magic.
By Barry. Oh! By Barry!
And just when Barry gets to...
Now, now, now, and hold on fast!
Now, now, and hold on fast!
He skates over to the table and he stops in front of her.
Their eyes lock and he reaches for her hand.
And she takes it. - Takes it.
Undoes her hair! - Oh, my God.
And they skate as a pair to the rest of the song.
Oh! And he gets disqualified. - But he doesn't care!
But he doesn't care. - Right. Oh, my God!
I'm going to go downstairs and find Olive
and get some unconditional love.
You look great.
Welcome home.
KYM: (CHUCKLING) Thank you. Emma.
Speaking of dogs,
when am I going to meet this fiance of yours, anyhow?
RACHEL: He went to pick up some stuff with Kieran.
He'll be back.
(DOG BARKING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
I'm making hot dogs and hungabungas.
Who wants what?
RACHEL: It's too hot.
EMMA: I don't eat gluten, Paul.
PAUL: Two... - May I have one, too?
Yeah. You don't eat what, dear?
Gluten.
Where's Kym?
RACHEL: Besides, I'm in my dress.
You're in your dress? Let me see it
No! - No!
All right. Okay.
KYM: Come on, Olive.
What can I get for you, Kymmie?
Actually, I'm late for a meeting.
And I have to pee into a cup and register as a general biohazard.
Okay, I'll drive you, honey.
No, that's okay. Just tell me which car I should use.
PAUL: Well, honey...
Oh! Can I get a hungabunga, Paul? - One hungabunga.
TAMYRA: Can I get one, too? - Two hungabungas.
Which car?
Kymmie, do me a favor now.
Excuse me.
I have my license. - I know, dear.
You just wouldn't believe my insurance right now, and I'm not that comfortable.
Can we figure something else out?

(RATTLING)
(PANTING)
Hi. Hi, I'm here to pee into a cup.
She's here to pee into a cup.
Someone will be right with you.
Okay. There's a meeting I have to get to.
The meetings are over in the other building.
I know that.
Someone will be right with you. Have a seat.
(URINATING)
I'm an addict
(CLATTERING)
Cocksucker!
Only once. KYM: Sorry.
Only once, my dealer.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I was very hard up for cash.
I'm okay.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Anyway, I'm in from Hawaii.
This is my first timeat this meeting. - Thank you.
MAN 1: Welcome. MAN 2: Go right ahead.
I'm Steve. I'm an addict.
Hi, Steve.
Hi, Steve. - Hey. This is my...
My first meeting, actually, so I'm a little bit...
(ALL CLAPPING) Hey. Thanks for coming, Steve.
"One. We admitted that we are powerless over our addiction,
"that our lives had become unmanageable.
"Two. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves..."
And whatever happened to me, it took me away.
It just gave me hope for one more day.
And that's how I live, one day at a time.
You see, yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here.
The only thing I can do is what I can do today to make tomorrow different.
There was a point, man where I thought I could do one more,
take another drink.
But it always end up the same.
You know, one was too many and a thousand was never enough.
I got tired of starting from square one again, man.
You know everything that I built up with my family,
everything that I built up...
You know, and people helping me and providing for me...
You know, you relapse, you got to start all over again.
And, man, I got tired of starting over again.
You know, it was dramatic.
You know, there's a lot of, you know...
It's ups and downs and it's crazy, and then...
And just recently, there's something, you know...
I can feel myself almost, like, missing the drama sometimes.
Like, I'm...
It gets so boring sometimes.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know I used to say I'm not an addict.
And it took me years to say I was an addict.
Then I spent years, like... That's all I was.
You know? I was just an addict.
If you could just, kind of, accept it as a fact,
just one fact among many.
That I can be that and other things.
MAN 1: That's right.
Things that are going to build you up
in the journey that you're on.
All of us have felt that way at some time.
But I want to encourage you. You're doing well.
ALL: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
And it says keep coming back, 'cause it works,
if you work it.
MAN 2: Well, thanks a lot. I'll see you next time.
(ALL CLAPPING)
PAUL Kymmie! Carol, she's here.
Kymmie! I got a sandwich for you, darling.
It's meat loaf.
PAUL: Hi, dear.
Hey.
Quite a ride, huh? - Yep.
Meat loaf.
Look at that.
Yeah. - Yummy.
Okay. - Wow. Thank you.
You're welcome. - That's big.
I'm so glad you're here, darling.
I'm so glad you're back.

Did you think I wasn't coming back?
(LAUGHING) No.
I'll take Bill's bike. RACHEL: Kymberly!
Oh, hey!
Come meet Sidney.
(CHATTERING)
This is my betrothed, Sidney Williams.
Hi.
Hello. - Hi.
RACHEL: And this is best man, Kieran.
Hey.
Hi, there.
KYM: How are you? - Good.
How's your knee?
Shut up.
RACHEL: You want meat loaf? My dad made meat loaf.
Nice to see you.
KYM: Nice to see you.
(KYM MOANING)
I think that we have started a new tradition.
That's what I think, yeah. - Yeah. What's that?
I think it's the best man and the maid of honor
sneaking off to get it on,
while the rest of the wedding party very happily
and furiously plans for the big event.
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
But I thought...
I thought that was Emma's role.
What?
The maid of honor.
Oh!
I mean, I heard that that was the plan.
I'm sure it is.
I might be wrong. - No.
Do you love it?
I mean, the lilac's fabulous, Emma.
(CHUCKLING) She looks like a freesia.
Isn't it beautiful? We should just cover your tattoo.
What?
Nothing, nothing. I just really like the gray.
Of course you do.
We're all wearing lilac. It's coordinated. It's a wedding.
Okay, well, this is in the color scheme, and it looks like a cloud.
It's fantastic. - Exactly.
You know how I am. I don't wear lilac.
It's good to have a principle.
What? You wore a lilac sweater with a cat face on the front of it
on the cover of Seventeen magazine...
That was so cute! ...when I was at fat camp.
Yeah, they paid me, and I was on horse tranquillizer, so...
You look good. Seriously.
(SOFTLY) Why is Emma the maid of honor?
Why am I not the maid of honor?
Because.
What does that mean?
Because I wasn't entirely sure when you were coming
or if you'd even make it.
(SCOFFS)
What? I wasn't sure if you'd have time for a fitting...
Bullshit. It's a sari.
You take a bolt of cloth and you wrap it around yourself a bunch of times.
Jesus Christ, I've been home for a day.
I can't get a straight answer out of anybody.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Dad offering me food every two seconds.
You know, Dad offers Irish hunger strikers food.
No. You know, it's not even about the food.
He has to know exactly where I am
at all times because he's never resolved his own trust issues.
That's odd. - You know what? Shut the fuck up!
Blow me! RACHEL: Okay.
Leave Dad alone.
I'd love to. I want to, okay?
He won't let me. I just...
I can feel him watching me all the time.
And Carol, and you guys, too.
Because we have nothing better to think about.
You know, everyone in the house
is looking at me like I'm a visiting sociopath.
I mean, seriously, what do you expect me to do,
burn the house down?
That was a mattress fire.
That was not even at home. It was at a sleepover.
Okay, you know what? Fine. Fuck you both. You win.
I'm going to get "hazmat" tattooed across my forehead for you people.
Will that make you happy? - God, you're like a harpy!
Okay, is being my maid of honor that important to you?
Because I didn't think you gave a shit.
I'm sorry.
How could you fucking say that to me?
(SIGHS)
Jesus. Emma.
Emma, would you be horribly offended and hurt
if I asked you step down as maid of honor?
For her? What?
Rachel, are you serious? Is this what you want?
Okay, fine. Fine. Not really.
You can have it. The crown is yours.
First runner-up.
Thank you, Emma, thank you.
You know what? - Everything is not about you, Kym.
No, it's not about me. It's about sisterhood.
EMMA: You're such a paragon of sisterhood. Hooray for sisterhood!
You know what? Sisterhood conquers all.
You know, I can really see rehab has done wonders for you, Kym.
KYM: Fuck you.
(PLAYING HERE COMES THE BRIDE)
(INAUDIBLE)
(WHISTLING)
(WHOOPING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Cousin Joe, on leave, from Iraq.
I almost forgot him!
Come on and say... Ho-oh!
ALL: Ho-oh!
WOMEN:  Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel
MEN:  Sidney, Sidney, Sidney, Sidney
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney, Sidney
Rachel, Rachel
Sidney, Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
Rachel -  Sidney
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ULULATING)
You know I tapped her on the shoulder. I was like,
"How you doing? My name's Dorian.
"I'd, you know, like to talk to you."
And she was like, "Good to meet you.
"Excuse me. Can you move over?
"There's a beautiful guy standing right behind you."
And it was Sid.
(CHEERING)
Dorian!
We've got joy like a fountain
We've got joy in our soul
Thank you guys for bringing us here.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Such a wonderful occasion to be here
and be back amongst family and friends.
You know, Paul, you've been such
a great friend of mine over the years.
It seems like yesterday when I met you.
And we were at your house playing music and discussing music.
Watching everyone grow up. Rachel. Kym.
And now Rachel's getting married.
Rachel getting married.
Yeah.
But we also need to honor my little friend Ethan
who's gone on to another plane now, you know.
But his spirit is here and he lives in our heart
and pa