韩素音翻译竞赛.doc

4) 翻译竞赛：
翻译竞赛译文评析
英译汉部分：
【竞赛原文之一】

Garibaldi in the Assembly

About midday on June 30, while Manara was dying in the hospital, Garibaldi was galloping across the Tiber to the Capitol1, whither the Assembly of the Roman Republic had summoned him to attend its fateful session. He rode in haste for though the fighting had died away, he would not consent to be absent from his post longer than one hour. He had missed death in the battle, and his heart was bitter within him.To add to his misery, news had just been brought that his faithful negro friend, Aguyar, who had so often guarded his life in the perils of war, had been killed by a shell whilst walking across a street in the Trastevere. Garibaldi, who was far above base racial pride, and regarded all men as brothers to be valued each according to his deserts, had given his love freely to the noble Othello,2 who in body and soul3 alike far surpassed the common type of white man, Sore at heart, and pre-occupied by bitter thoughts, he galloped up to the Capitol, dismounted, and entered the Assembly as he was, his red shirt covered with dust and blood, his face still moist with the sweat of battle, his sword so bent that it stuck half-way out of the scabbard. The members, deeply moved, rose to their feet and cheered, as he walked slowly to the tribune and mounted the steps.
They had sent to ask his advice on the three plans, between which, as Mazzini had told them in his speech that morning, they were now reduced to choose. They could surrender; they could die fighting in the streets; or, lastly, they could make their exodus into the mountains, taking with them the Government and the army. This third plan was that which Garibaldi had for days past been urging on the Triumvirate, and he now pressed the Assembly to adopt it, in a brief and vigorous speech.
He brushed aside the idea of continuing the defence of Rome. It could no longer, he showed them, be carried on even by street fighting4, for the Trastevere must be abandoned, and the enemy’s cannon from the height of San Pietro in Montorio could reduce the capital of the world to ashes. As to surrender, he does not seem to have discussed it5. There remained the third plan—to carry the Government and army into the wilderness. This he approved. ‘Dovunque saremo, colà sarà Roma’(‘Wherever we go, there will be Rome’), he said. This was the part he had chosen for himself and for everyone who would come with him. But he wished to have only volunteers and to take no one on false pretences6. He declared that he could promise nothing, and very honestly drew for the senators a picture of the life of danger and hardship to which he invited them.
Altogether it was a wise and noble speech7, for it put an end to all thought of bringing further ruin on the buildings of Rome, and at the same time offered a path of glory and sacrifice to those who, like himself, were determined never to treat with the foreigner on Italian soil8. Having spoken, he left the hall and galloped back to the Janiculum.
【概述】
本文是2000年第十二届“韩素音青年翻译奖”英译汉部分的参赛原文。所描写的是1849年6月底，在罗马保卫战的关键时刻，加里波第—— 一位意大利民族统一运动的著名领袖，杰出的游击战专家，应急召赴罗马共和国议会发表演讲的情景。文章简洁、生动、有力、成功地塑造了加里波第的英雄形象。这篇文章翻译起来难度较大，主要有两方面的原因：第一，文章确有一些“语言陷阱”，一不警惕，很容易译错；第二，有些细节的背景资料不好查询。
【翻译要点评析】
1.the Capitol: 文中的the Capitol是卡匹托尔山上接近山顶处建筑群的总称，如把它译成“卡匹托尔山”，则up to无法解释和处理,也不符合有些百科全书中把the Capitol释为建筑群的释义。如译成“市政厅”或“元老院”，则至少与原文不符。如译成“议会大厦”，则把会址的真实处所失却了。笔者认为可把the Capitol译成“卡匹托尔”，并可加注，释为“卡匹托尔山上接近山顶处的卡匹托尔广场及广场周围建筑物的总称”。有的书将其议成“罗马神殿”、“神殿”，皆不妥。
2. … had given his love freely to the noble Othello: 从上下文看这里的Othello并非指莎翁笔下的那位黑人将军奥赛罗，而是指 Aguyar（加里波第的贴身侍卫），使用的是“换称”(antonomasia)的修辞手法。原句意为“在阿古亚尔这位高尚的‘奥赛罗’身上倾注了厚爱。
3….in body and soul alike: alike 是副词, 意为in the same way。此短语意为“在体魄（的强健）和心灵（的高尚）两方面都”。
4. (… the idea if continuing the defence of Rome.) It could no longer… be carried on even by street fighting: 注意“It”的指代和“no longer”的语义。“It”指的是上一句中的“the defence”， “no longer”译为“不再”。
5. ( As to surrender,) he does not seem to have discussed it: 原句可以改写为：…, it seems that he did not discuss it (in his speech).可译为：“至于投降，似乎他（在发言中）未加讨论。”
6. (he)wished...to take no one on false pretences: on false pretences 不是one 的后置定语，而是修饰take的状语。句子的有关部分可改写为he did not wish to take anyone on false pretences。意为“他不想用花言巧语哄骗任何人和他走”。如果把上句的come with him与下句的promising nothing和honestly联系起来看，对正确理解此句有一定帮助。
7.Altogether it was a wise and noble speech: Altogether 位于句首，属联加状语(conjunct)中的“总结”(summative)类别，而不是“增强语”中的“最高程度语”，原句可译为“总之， 这一演讲不乏明志，境界高尚。”
8. ...who... were determined never to treat with the foreigner on Italian soil: treat with 是动词短语，意为“与……谈判；与……妥协”；on Italian soil = in Italy, 将其视为foreigner的后置定语较妥。当时意大利尚未统一，“国土”宜改为“土地”。原句译为：“决不与意大利土地上的异族入侵者媾和的那些人”。
（参考韦荣辰执笔的评析）
【参考译文】
议会上的加里波第

六月三十日，大约中午时分，马拉纳在医院里生命垂危的时候，加里波第正策马跃过台伯河，朝卡匹托尔奔去。他奉罗马共和国议会之召，去那里参加决定共和国命运的会议。他一路急如星火；虽然战斗已经停息，他执意要在一个小时内返回自己的岗位。他因为能战死沙场内心十分痛苦。更让他感到痛苦的事，他刚刚得到消息，他忠实的黑人朋友，多次在战场的危难中保护他生命的阿古亚尔，在穿过特拉斯特维尔的一条街道是被一颗子弹夺去了生命。加里波第绝无低俗的种族优越感，他把所有的人都视为兄弟，对每一个人都是根据他的品行给以评价，而对这位身心都远远胜过普通白人的奥赛罗式人物，他毫无保留地倾注了他的爱。加里波第怀着沉痛的心情和苦楚的思绪，驱马急驰上了卡匹托尔，翻身下马，戎装未卸，就进了议会大厅，身上的红衫沾满灰尘和血迹，脸上仍有从战场上带来的湿漉漉的汗水，腰间的佩剑已经弯曲，半截露出鞘外。当他缓缓走向讲坛、一步步踏上台阶时，深受感动的议员们纷纷起立向他欢呼致意。
他们就马志尼提出的三个方案将他找来听取他的意见；马志尼在当天上午的讲话中说过，他们必须从三者之中做出抉择。他们可以投降；可以战死街头；或者，走最后一条路，撤出罗马，把政府和军队拉到山里。而这第三个方案正是加里波第几天来一直敦促三执政接受的；现在，他正以简单明了、铿锵有力的讲演力谏议会采纳。
他排除了继续保卫罗马的意见。他向他们指明，即使开展巷战，也难以保住罗马，因为特拉斯特维尔必须放弃，而且敌人部署在蒙托里奥的圣彼得罗高地上的大炮会将这世界之都化为灰烬。至于投降，看来他未曾谈及。这样就剩下三个方案，即，把政府和军队撤到山野。这个方案他是赞成的。他说：“Dovunque saremo, colà sarà Roma”(“我们走到哪里，哪里就是罗马”)。这就是他为自己以及每一个愿意跟他走的人所做的选择。但是，他只要志愿者，绝不以虚假的理由骗走任何人。他声明他不做任何承诺，并坦诚地向议员们描绘了一幅画面——应邀与他同行的诸位所面临的生活将充满危险与艰辛。
总之，他的演讲表现出英明的睿智和高尚的气节；它不但结束了使罗马建筑物遭受更大破坏的想法，同时又为像他一样誓死不与意大利土地上的外敌媾和的志士们指出了一条既光荣又有牺牲的道路。演讲一结束，他就离开大厅，骑马奔回雅尼库卢姆阵地。
（参考郗庆华执笔的译文）

【竞赛原文之二】
On Going Home

I am home for my daughter's first birthday. By "home" I do not mean the house in Los Angeles where my husband and I and the baby live, but the place where my family is, in the Central Valley of California. It is a vital although troublesome distinction. My husband likes my family but is uneasy in their house, because once there I fall into their ways, which are difficult, oblique, deliberately inarticulate, not my husband's ways. We live in dusty houses ("D-U-S-T," he once wrote with his finger on surfaces all over the house, but no one noticed it) filled with mementos quite without value to him (what could the Canton dessert plates1. mean to him? How could he have known about the assay scales, why should he care if he did know?), and we appear to talk exclusively about people we know who have been committed to mental hospitals, about people we know who have been booked on drunk-driving charges, and about property, particularly about property, land, price per acre and C-2 zoning and assessments and freeway access2.. My brother3. does not understand my husband's inability to perceive the advantage in the rather common real-estate transaction known as "sale-leaseback," and my husband in turn does not understand why so many of the people he hears about in my father's house have recently been committed to mental hospitals or booked on drunk-driving charges. Nor does he understand that when we talk about sale-leasebacks and right-of-way condemnations we are talking in code about the things we like best, the yellow fields and the cottonwoods and the rivers rising and falling and the mountain roads closing when the heavy snow comes in. We miss each other's points, have another drink and regard the fire. My brother refers to my husband, in his presence, as "Joan's husband." Marriage is the classic betrayal.
 Or perhaps it is not any more. Sometimes I think that those of us who are now in our thirties were born into the last generation to carry the burden of "home," to find in family life the source of all tension and drama. I had by all objective accounts a "normal "and a "happy " family situation, and yet I was almost thirty years old before I could talk to my family on the telephone without crying after I had hung up. We did not fight. Nothing was wrong. And yet some nameless anxiety colored the emotional charges between me and the place that I came from4. The question of whether or not you could go home again was a very real part of the sentimental and largely literary baggage with which we left home in the fifties5 ; I suspect that it is irrelevant to the children born of the fragmentation after World War II. A few weeks ago in a San Francisco bar I saw a pretty young girl on crystal take off her clothes and dance for the cash prize in an "amateurtopless" contest. There was no particular sense of moment about this, none of the effect of romantic degradation, of "dark journey," for which my generation strived so assiduously. What sense could that girl possibly make of, say, Long Day's Journey into Night? Who is beside the point?
     That I am trapped in this particular irrelevancy is never more apparent to me than when I am home. Paralyzed by the neurotic lassitude engendered by meeting one's past at every turn, around every corner, inside every cupboard, I go aimlessly from room to room. I decide to meet it head-on and clean out a drawer, and I spread the contents on the bed. A bathing suit I wore the summer I was seventeen. A letter of rejection from The Nation, an aerial photograph of the site for a shopping center my father did not build in 1954. Three teacups hand-painted with cabbage roses and signed "E.M.," my grandmother's initials. There is no final solution for letters of rejection from The Nation and teacups hand-painted in 1900. Nor is there any answer to snapshots of one's grandfather as a young man on skis, surveying around Donner Pass in the year 1910. I smooth out the snapshot and look into his face, and do and do not see my own. I close the drawer, and have another cup of coffee with my mother. We get along very well, veterans of a guerrilla war we never understood.
     Days pass. I see no one. I come to dread my husband's evening call, not only because he is full of news of what by now seems to me our remote life in Los Angeles, people he has seen, letters which require attention, but because he asks what I have been doing, suggests uneasily that I get out, drive to San Francisco or Berkeley. Instead I drive across the river to a family graveyard. It has been vandalized since my last visit and the monuments are broken, overturned in the dry grass. Because I once saw a rattlesnake in the grass I stay in the car and listen to a country-and-Western station. Later I drive with my father to a ranch he has in the foothills. The man who runs his cattle on it asks us to the roundup, a week from Sunday, and although I know that I will be in Los Angeles I say, in the oblique way my family talks, that I will come. Once home I mention the broken monuments in the graveyard. My mother shrugs.
     I go to visit my great-aunts. A few of them think now that I am my cousin, or their daughter who died young. We recall an anecdote about a relative last seen in 1948, and they ask if I still like living in New York City. I have lived in Los Angeles for three years, but I say that I do. The baby is offered a horehound drop, and I am slipped a dollar bill "to buy a treat." Questions trail off, answers are abandoned, the baby plays with the dust motes in a shaft of afternoon sun.
It is time for the baby's birthday party: a white cake, strawberry-marshmallow ice cream, a bottle of champagne saved from another party. In the evening, after she has gone to sleep, I kneel beside the crib and touch her face, where it is pressed against the slats, with mine. She is an open and trusting child, unprepared for and unaccustomed to the ambushes of family life, and perhaps it is just as well that I can offer her little of that life. I would like to give her more. I would like to promise her that she will grow up with a sense of her cousins and of rivers and of her great-grandmother's teacups, would like to pledge her a picnic on a river with fried chicken and her hair uncombed, would like to give her home for her birthday, but we live differently now and I can promise her nothing like that. I give her a xylophone and a sundress from Madeira, and promise to tell her a funny story.
【概述】
本文是2001年第十三届“韩素音青年翻译奖”英译汉部分的参赛原文。原文作者
Joan Didion是位散文文体大家，她的文章极有文采和个性，要贴切地表达成汉语确实要下一番功夫。而这篇文章艰深的背景知识更是给准确翻译设置了很大障碍。不了解该文的作者及其生活道路、创作思想，不了解文章的写作背景及反映的时代特征，好些地方会觉得把握不准，甚至一筹莫展。 
【翻译要点评析】
1．the Canton dessert plates: 查英文词典我们可能会取“the former name of Guangzhou”这一释义，然后把这一部分译成“产自广州的甜点盘子”。但The Dolphin Reader (Hunt, 1990)收录的On Going Home中对“canton”的注释为“Fine Chinese porcelain”。据此注释，“canton”在这里应是指这些盘子的质地，而不是产地。另外，《英汉辞海》（王同亿，1987）里有“Canton china”词条，译文第一条为“广东瓷；广东瓷器，尤指青花瓷”；韦伯斯特电子词典（2000 Merriam-Webster, Incorporated. Version 2.5.）有“Canton ware”词条，释义照录于下ceramic ware exported from China especially during the 18th and 19th centuries by way of Canton and including blue-and-white and enameled porcelain and various ornamented stonewares”（从中国出口的陶瓷器，特别是18、19世纪期间经由广州出口的，包括青花上釉瓷器和各种有装饰的粗陶器）。综合以上信息，最后把这个地方译成“粤式细瓷点心盘”。  
2．…and about property, particularly about property, land, price per acre and C-2 zoning and assessments and freeway access: 这里有两个问题，一是其中两个“property”指涉是不是一样；二是如何翻译“C-2 zoning”。我们知道地产或房地产交易在作者当时的家乡司空见惯，成为人们生活中一个不可或缺的部分，经常谈论这些事情是理所当然的事。从语法上说，“particularly about property”可以是起加强语气作用的插入语，下面的“land, price per acre and C-2 zoning and assessments and freeway access”是列举他们谈论有关“property”的具体内容。因此，这两个“property”指涉应该是一样的。“C-2 zoning”的翻译比较棘手。根据《21世纪城市规划管理》一书中的解释，这里“C”指“公共设施用地，主要指居住区及居住区以上的行政、经济文化、教育、卫生、体育、商贸及科研设计等机构和设施的用地。”（任致远，2000；174）另外，《城市规划概论》（陈友华、赵民，2000）上面专门有一节介绍“用地区划”（Zoning），在244-245页上还附有纽约市用地区划表，其中“C2”的对应汉语是“地区服务区”。 综合上面这些知识，最后把这个地方译为特别是地产，土地和地价，C-2区制规划及评估，还有高速公路的出入口，等等”。
3. my brother: 这里从原文无法判断“brother”是“elder brother”还是“younger brother”，因为在英语中这两者一般是不做区分的，而在汉语里正好相反。如果笼统地译成“兄弟”，觉得很别扭。迪迪翁的文章自传性很强，其中讲的都是真人真事，这里“brother”是“弟弟”还是“哥哥”应确切所指。迪迪翁在另一篇文章John Wayne: A Love Song（《约翰·韦恩：一首爱之歌》（1965）中有这样一段描述：“In the summer of 1943 I was eight ,and my father and mother and small brother and I were at Peterson Field in Colorado Springs.（Slouching, p. 29）（下划线为笔者所加）据此，“my brother”应译为“弟弟”。
4. And yet some nameless anxiety colored the emotional charges between me and the place that I came from: 如何译“colored the emotional charges”是传达意境的关键。有人把这句话译成“可是一种莫名的焦渴笼罩着我和我的出生地之间的情感蕴藉”，还有人译为 “可是一种莫名的焦虑扭曲了我和我的家乡之间的情感交流”，都译得不太好，原文的诗意全无。查了韦伯斯特电子词典（同上）对“charge”的解释，其中有如下释义：“a store or accumulation of impelling force”，并随后附有用法举例“the deeply emotional charge of the drama”。经过斟酌，我们可以把这句话译为“但一丝莫名的忧虑，浸染了我和生我养我的家之间的情感纠葛”。
5．The question of whether or not you could go home again was a very real part of the sentimental and largely literary baggage with which we left home in the fifties： 这里如何处理“the sentimental and largely literary baggage”感到很棘手。我们来看一看作者的生活道路。迪迪翁1956年毕业于加州大学英文系，有很高的文学修养。这句话中说的“we left home in the fifties”很可能就是指她的同学们一起（她那一代人）大学毕业后离开家到各地寻求