中英文笑话.doc

英语笑话
（一） 

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? 

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ 
英语笑话
（二） 

He is really somebody 

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. 

-- He is really somebody. What does he do? 

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery. [ˈsemitri]

他真是一个大人物 

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ 

-- 墓地守墓人。 
（三）
Two Birds 

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? 

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. 

Teacher: Please tell us. 

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 

两只鸟 

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 

老师：请说说看。 

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 

（四）
A man see a woman is beautiful so he said:'Oh,you are beautiful!'But the woman like Chinese said:"Where?Where?'The man said :"eyes and mouth and the nose...'

一老外见到一中国女人十分美丽，曰：“你真漂亮！”中国女人想按照中国的方式回答，曰：“哪里哪里！”老外便说：“眼睛、嘴巴、鼻子........” 
（五）
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。” 老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？” “后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
How Did You Ever Get Here
你是怎样来的？
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery
out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
（六）
采购过早
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。
“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”
在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
Early Shopper
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent [biˈnevələnt] mood as he questioned
the prisoner.
"What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
（七）
好消息和坏消息

　　“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。
　　“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”
　　“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”
　　“那么坏消息呢？”
“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”
Good News And Bad News

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."
"And the bad news?"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
（八）
百万富翁

主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。
助　手：以前你是什么？
主管人：千万富翁。
CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."
Assistant: "What were you before?"
CEO: "a multimillionaire."

（九）
过一秒钟
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

（十）
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back. Anything else? The nurse asked. Yes, Jack thinks for a while and said, I'm a bachelor.

　　杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格还有什么漏填的? 护士问. 有! 杰克想了想说, 我是个单身汉.
（十一）
One day a doctor went to a store and bought a pair of shoes. Before he left the shoes counter, he asked the salesgirl: " How long will this pair of shoes last?"

"It depends. If you don t use it, the shoes will never wear out."

Several days later the salesgirl fell ill and went to a hospital. And the happened to be the customer she served. After the girl got the prescription from the doctor, she asked: "How soon will I get better with the medicine?”
It depends. " The doctor answered, "If you don t use it, you will never get better.

　　一天，一位医生到鞋店买了双鞋。他在离开柜台之前，问售货员：“这双鞋能穿多长时间？“

　　“看情况而定。如果您不穿它，那它们永远也不会坏。”

　　几天后，这位售货员病了，去医院看病。这位医生碰巧是那位顾客。

　　当售货员拿了处方后，问道：“吃了这药，我的病多长时间才能好呀？”

　　“看情况而定。”医生说，“如果你不吃药，你的病永远也好不了。”
(十二)
Wife talking to her husband(who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were anewspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily.
妻子走到看报纸的丈夫面前说：我真希望我是一份报纸，这样我每天都可以被你捧在手心里了。
丈夫回答到：我也希望如此，这样我就可以主宰和改变你一天了！
（十三）
We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him? 
Well, I don't know. Does he bite?
That's what I want to find out. 

我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？
哦， 我不知道。他咬人吗？
 这正是我想要知道的。

（十四）
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.
That's fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday?
 鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。
好啊!老板吼道，那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？
（十五）
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.
Friend: But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.
Dan: I’m teaching him how to run, too.
丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。
朋友：如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？
丹：我也会教他怎么样赛跑。
（十六）
A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?

 B: Friends, of course.

A: Why?

B: I can always borrow money from friends.
甲：你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要？
乙：当然是朋友。
甲：为什么？
乙：我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱。
（十七）
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了
（十八）
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." 

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." 

To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!" 

两个小男孩在他们的祖父母家过夜。睡觉时间到了，这两个小男孩跪在床上祈祷。弟弟用非常大的声音祈祷着，“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新游戏机……我祈求有一个新录像机……”

他的哥哥用胳膊肘轻轻地碰了他一下，说：“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聋子。”

弟弟听了回答道：“上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀！”
（十九）
A met B in the street.
A: You is losing your hair so quickly!
B: Yes, because I'm so anxious.
A: Anxious for what?
B: Losing my hair.

A在街上碰到B
A：你怎么掉了这么多头发！
B：因为我担忧啊
A：担忧什么呢
B：掉头发……
（二十）
Two attorneys went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches here!

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

　　两个律师走进一个餐厅，要了两杯饮料，从包中拿出三明治开始吃起来。餐厅老板走过来警告说，“你们不能在这里吃自己的三明治。”

　　两个律师对看了一眼，耸耸肩，然后交换了手中的三明治。