雅思大作文修改.doc

(完整word)雅思大作文修改
Government should spend money on the railway rather than the roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

As the time goes by went onWe are talking about a present state.
, the quality of life is rapidly rising and has brought about a massive influence in the diversity of the society has changed a lot and the quality of our daily life is rising rapidly。 paraphrase
Transportation is one of the key points of improvement in every society. In this regard, some people argue that the government should spend money on the railway rather than the roads. I， as an advocate of change， totally agree with this cannot agree with that please check your previous sentence. This phrase actually means that you are against railway improvement. BE CAREFUL. This is very important.
idea. any more。 Poor choice of word. irrelevant
There are some reasons as followed。unnecessary

To begin with, railways can itBe specific for this is already a new paragraph.
reduced the pollution since an increasing rephrase
if a number of people would give up driving to work and turn opt to ride a train. Nowadays, people spend a great amounts ofrephrase
ample time on the road especially during the rush hours。 At the same time, In addition， the emission of cars brings a great be careful with grammar. Rephrase.
compelling increase contribution to an already polluted amount of pollution in our paraphrase
environment. It also adds on to the daily stress of people because they tend to be upset easily if they got into a paraphrase please
due to the traffic jam for a long time。 Researches have also shown that when cars are immobile stoppedchoose a better synonym
, more air pollution is produced would be madechoose a synonym
。 These problems can be avoided if railways will be the focus of transportation development. is really a good way to solve this problemparaphrase
。

What’s more， it solves the congestion on the road as many people were commuted by train。 Recent years， the number of the cars running on the road is increasing in a high speed, as a result， a question is given to us that a lot of cars are over volumed, so that the traffic jam has become a horrible problem. However, the train would take most of the people to their destination without waiting on the road.This paragraph basically just repeated you idea in your previous paragraph. Avoid being redundant.

In addition, railways are not only a medium of transportation for people, but also for goods and commodities. Using the railway transport, in my opinion, is better in delivering products。 This method is efficient and timesaving because it avoids the congestion of road traffic as it has its own pathways。 Therefore， if railways will undergo tremendous upgrade, then, businesses in one's country will improve enormously， resulting to a remarkable reform in the society’s economy.

Finally， on the view of the economy, taking public transportation is much cheaper than private cars, in this way， people could do much more other things they are interested in.Again, irrelevant

To sum up, in my humble opinion, the idea that the government should prioritize investing funds pay money Bad vocabulary
on the railways improvements rather than the road is a good decision because that it can solve many problems in the society and make this our world globePick a synonym
a better place to live in.

Task Response：
5
Cohesion and Coherence
5
Lexical Resource
5。5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
5.5

REVISIONS:

Hello。

Please be very careful when starting off your essay。 You are asked to agree or disagree and be very mindful of the construction of your sentence. Understand the question， and comment clearly on which view you want to side.

Put all ideas in one paragraph。 The next paragraph should be a totally different idea to support your view。 So that your opinion will be further defended. Avoid discussing the same idea over and over again。 That is why I have constructed a whole new paragraph with another reason why you are towards this view。

I would like to acknowledge the examples that you have given. It appears that it is a real—life experience and the reader would like that. Keep doing that, as it will make your view more believable。

Please review on your grammar and vocabularies. There are several phrases that can do better when rephrased or when you use a synonym.

Always remember that conclusion is very important, as this is what’s going to leave an impression on the reader。 So be sure to be more creative when composing your closing words.

Good luck！

Teacher Rizza

As time goes by， the quality of life is rapidly rising and has brought about a massive influence in the diversity of the society. Transportation is one of the key points of improvement in every society。 In this regard, some people argue that the government should spend money on the railway rather than the roads. I， as an advocate of change, totally agree with this idea.

To begin with， railways can reduce pollution if a number of people would give up driving to work and opt to ride a train. Nowadays， people spend ample time on the road especially during the rush hours。 In addition， the emission of cars brings compelling contribution to an already polluted environment. It also adds on to the daily stress of people because they tend to be upset easily due to the traffic jam. Researches have also shown that when cars are immobile, more air pollution is produced. These problems can be avoided if railways will be the focus of transportation development.

In addition， railways are not only a medium of transportation for people, but also for goods and commodities. Using the railway transport， in my opinion， is better in delivering products. This method is efficient and timesaving because it avoids the congestion of road traffic as it has its own pathways。 Therefore， if railways will undergo tremendous upgrade, then， businesses in one’s country will improve enormously， resulting to a remarkable reform in the society’s economy.

To sum up， in my humble opinion, the idea that the government should prioritize investing funds on railways improvements rather than the road is a good decision because it can solve many problems in the society and make this world a better place to live in。